The GMan Speaketh
by Mbwun
Summary: A series of short commentaries on various Godzilla-issues, by the Big G-Man himself. Now: Minya and Junior!
1. On Godzilla vs Megalon

**And now, the G-Man on _Godzilla vs. Megalon._**

Jesus, did you see this filth?  If you did, I apologize, I really do.  I had very little to do with the script—honestly, [my agent] Takahuro thought it would be a good PR thing, a nice family film to do with a kid, his robot, and his "family."

The "family" turns out to be these two dudes who are probably pedophiles, and the robot was a pussy that I had to bail out more times than I can think of.  The one time he was good for something—that one time he lifted me out of the ring of fire thing that I could've easily walked through anyway, but it saved me the effort—I can tell you, his left hand _wasn't_ on my tail.  What kind of name is "Jet Jaguar" anyway?  Jeez, and the pedophiles!  What's up with them?!  There's a reason I said I'd never work with Roman Polanski—fuck.  Needless to say, there's also a reason I fired Takahuro after I got done filming this.

I heard later that I wasn't even in the script.  I can believe that.  Seemed to me I was just there to give that Jet Jaguar bastard a big star as a launch platform for his career.  I guess things didn't work out for him—last I heard, he was flipping burgers in a Cleveland McDonald's.

And hell, Megalon wasn't even a good bad monster, if that makes any sense.  Dude had drills on the end of his arms—looked like a reject for _Edward Scissorhands_.  Couldn't even kick very hard—if the director hadn't told me to take those falls, I wouldn't have.

There was one good thing that came of this movie, though:  I did enjoy working with Gigan again.  He's great fun, I'll tell you.  The only monster beside Destroyah that made me bleed—and hell, Destroyah killed me, and I him, so really, that doesn't count.  But Gigan, he's a hoot.  Great prankster.  Me and him found out that Angilas is over on Okinawa, filming an independent blue film, so we go over and surprise him right after he films a scene with, ahem, abundant leather, shall we say.  Funniest damn thing, and then you know who shows up?  Gidorah, that ol' three-headed bastard, and the four of us hit the town.  I tell ya, that was a night to remember.

By the way, sorry if you were one of four million Japanese who lost power that week.  Didn't mean to roll over that substation.  Actually, I admit it . . . I was drunk.

**This has been the G-Man on _Godzilla vs. Megalon_.**


	2. On The General Unfairness of Life

**And now, the G-Man on the General Unfairness of Life.**

Hollywood's a tough town, you know what I mean?  I mean, just 'cause a guy's a little overweight, he's automatically out of the running for an Oscar.  And if you don't think I deserve an Academy Award, think about this one:  fuckin' _Cher_ got an Academy Award.  _Cher_.  Cher, Cher, _Cher_.  And Roman Polanski, too!  And Michael Moore for that bullshit mockumentary he made!  I mean, Jesus, how hard is it to talk circles around an old man with Alzheimer's?

Really, the Oscars are a farce.  They give stuff out to guys like Moore, Polanski, _Cher_, and then a fine actor like Cary Grant waits his whole life to get one Goddamned "lifetime achievement" Oscar!  You know what "lifetime achievement" means in real life?  "Mandatory retirement," that's what it is.  Shit, the same goes for John Wayne.  Two of the men who built that damned town, and all they get is "lifetime achievement."  And then they die.

And that's prob'ly the way it's gonna be for me, you know what I mean?  They give me an Oscar and the next day Toho gives me the little "we regret to inform you that your services . . ." letter.  Bastards.  If Old Man Tanaka was still there, things'd be different for me, I'll tell you that.  Rodan sure as hell wouldn't be working there.

Lemme tell you about Rodan.  The directors all love him, because he'll do anything, and I mean _anything_, for nothing.  Sex scene?  Hell, he was doing those before James Bond did!  You don't believe me, you go watch that one standalone movie he did—you don't want to, huh, 'cause it sucks without me—right?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Just take my word for it though—he's humpin' Rodana like a bunny on speed.

It's monsters like Rodan that bring the industry down.  Where is the quality, I ask?  The answer is, there is none, but pricks like him get to show up in my movies again and again, while a guy like me has to work for a living.

So what I have to say to you is this:  Life's a bitch, kids, so f—

**This has been the G-Man on the General Unfairness of Life.**


	3. On Gamera and Whatever Else He Thinks Of

And now, the G-Man on Gamera and Whatever Else He Thinks Of. 

Gamera, Gamera, Gamera.  Let me tell you about Gamera.  He's a little, ah, shall we say, _different_ from the rest of us monsters.  He thinks he gets to be all aloof and stuff because he's got his own standalone movies, and because I've never kicked his ass around the park in a movie, like just about everyone else in this town.

But let me tell you, he's a puss at heart.  What was that one monster's name?  You know, the killer shark thing that flew or whatever?  What the hell's up with that?  And kids, he's always worrying about the kids.  Let me tell you about the real Gamera, the one who ran down a kid's pet cat and then laughed about it with Rodan.  Yeah, forgot that, he hangs out with Rodan—how nice can he be?

And what's with the fire-out-of-the-shell thing?  He thinks he's hot shit because he can spin in a damn circle.  Hell, I can spin in a circle when I'm drunk!  I'll show you right now!  Just let me start getting there.  Okay . . .  there's one sake.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.  Six.  Seven.  Eight.  What, I'm a big guy, ya know?  Nine.  Ten.  'Leven.  Twelve.  Thirteen.  The number after that.  Fifteen.  Sixteen.  Uh . . . what?

What was I talking about?  I would read it but the letters are fuzzy all of a sudden.  Damn computer monitor, it must've broke again.  Broke computer, broke computer, what'm I gonna do wi' a broke computer . . .  I'm so glad I got that voice recog . . . regog . . . recog-fuckin'-nition software, you know what I mean?  I can't even see the keyboard.  Oh, wait, there it is.  I'll tap it and show you.  Eajiof ndajl hjivoadiaweow8yopgon aoiwh902 maklf.  There, you see that?  I'll do it again.  Afjl khj agho aeiojkjla;uho  scnlvdnzs ;pvdepen.

This one time, I remember, me an' Ghidorah, we were in Osaka, right, and these two punks come up and are like, "Gimme all your money, fatsoes," and we were like, "No," and they were like, "Gimme all your money," and they pulled out this little knife or somethin'.  So Ghidorah . . . this kills me every time . . . Ghidorah electrocutes 'em both, then he eats 'em, all three of the heads just chompin' away.

What was I talking about before?  Oh, yeah, Cameron.  No, Gamera.  Forgot.  Silly.  Holy shit, someone around here's been drinkin' sake, there's bowls all over the place.  Anyhoo, so Gamera . . . could I beat his ass?

You betcha.

Mn ujjmiiiiiiiiiiiiiii8tb6ynb tbtgbytgb6yht6yhgbghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This has been the G-Man on Gamera and Whatever Else He Thinks Of. 


	4. On The Crack Moth

And now, the G-Man on the Crack-Moth.

I'd, ah, like to, um, apologize for, uh, my, ah, _behavior_ in the previous piece.  It was inexcusable, and I'm sorry.  It won't happen again, and, ah, I hope you can forgive me, or something.  Um.  Gamera sucks.

I remember when Mothra first came into the business.  God, she was hot, let me tell you.  Great actress, fantastic voice.  And that ass . . . wow.  Her eyes always had a special glint in 'em.  Working with her was a joy, even if she did get to kick my ass twice.  Even Ghidorah liked her, and he's pretty anti-social when he's sober.

And then came Rodana.

Rodana pretty much knew her career was over.  Unlike her cousin (that'd be Rodan, if you're wondering), she hadn't had a job since, well, _Rodan_.  Well, a real acting job, I mean.  They used her as Rodan's stand-in/stunt-double a lot.  You know, for the scenes where Rodan had to be electrocuted or set on fire, stuff like that.

So she started sleeping with Ghidorah on the side.  She thought it'd help her career, and the thing about that big three-headed dragon is that he's a sucker for a pair of wings bigger than his.  And wings Rodana had.  Oh, she had wings . . .

_Ahem_.  Anyhow, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, Rodana is hanging around the set of . . . uhm, what was it called?  _Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster_, or something like that.  Me and Mothra's second film together.  Rodan was in it too.  You remember.  Ghidorah's big debut after being Anonymous Monster #2 on many occasions—you might remember his heartrending performance on _90210_.

Now Mothra, she's pretty innocent still, hasn't been around that long, you know?  So she starts hanging out with Rodana, talks girl-talk or whatever.  And before we know it, she's showing up to work stoned out of her mind.  Turns out Rodana is a big pot dealer—didn't surprise me and Ghidorah in the least, let me tell you.

Showing up stoned . . . that's low.  I mean, sure, I've come to a shoot drunk before, but only half-drunk, at that.  It was the only way I could get through _Godzilla's Revenge_, that piece of swill.  But that's another story.

Well, you know how they call marijuana a gateway drug?  I think that poor little moth might've hit the gate once or twice on the way out.  Before I know it, she's showing up with all this white powder on her wings and smoking crack between takes.  _Between takes!_  Ghidorah told Rodana to get lost, and then she threatened to tell everyone what his middle head likes to do in bed.  (I still haven't heard, so don't ask, but word is it's real kinky.)

So Ghidorah electrocuted Rodana and ate her.  That seems to be his problem solving strategy.  It works sometimes more than others.

Mothra . . . well, she finished up with _Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster_, and we never saw her again.  They hired her sister, Mothranukajaharusakamotosobo (we call her Mothy for short), for the next movie.  The last I heard, she put herself in the ER when a crack-fire got a little out of hand and spread to the wings.  And the antennae.  And that big, beautiful ass.  Why are bugs furry, anyway?

**This has been the G-Man on the Crack-Moth.**


	5. On Minya and Junior

And now, the G-Man on Minya and "Junior." 

Somehow, it seems like my kids never end up looking like me.  I don't know what it is—I mean, it just seems like they're always dredging up some reject from God-knows-where to play my son.  Minya, he was a nice guy, you know?  Oh, you don't know that.

Yeah, Minya wasn't a minor by any stretch of the imagination.  He's almost as old as I am.  And he chain-smokes like a chimney.  I've seen him go through a pack of Marls in an hour.  He's got some freaky hormonal disorder or something—never matured past the age of eight, physically speaking.  Minya's family got him the part in the business.  He's the nephew of the Michelin Man, the first one.  Anyhew, so the Michelins got him a job with me, helped him crack into showbiz.  And the rest is history.

Finally, they started getting a lot of complaints about how Minya didn't look a damned thing like me.  Oh, and there was a sex scandal, something about Minya fathering Barada's child.  I'm not sure what came of that.  The investors started getting worried and before you know, Minya is out.

So they hire the kid who tried out for _Puff the Magic Dragon_ but couldn't cut all the ganja references.  Name was Ian.  I heard he was in with the Scrappy-Doo crowd.  A mouthy little son of a bitch, let me tell you.

And the fucker flew!  Since when did I have wings?

We all tried to be nice, more or less, even when he was a total shit.  Ghidorah was pretty mean to him, but then, Ghidorah's pretty mean to everyone.  After a little while shooting with him, though, our work started to suffer, and I approached Old Man Tanaka about it.

So we gave him the ax.  Literally, Ghidorah buried it in his head.  Very messy.  But sometimes, the business is like that.

They finally listened to me and used my actual son, John, to play my son, in _Space Godzilla_ and _Destroyah_.

Assholes.

This has been the G-Man on Minya and "Junior." 


End file.
